No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
crochet youtube is brutal
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I know
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!