Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months