No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
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The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Word!
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time