No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”