No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.