No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.