No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Oceanography is all about current events
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)