No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.


UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over


I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.


Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.


Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol


It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.


7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.


[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*


*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*