No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
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Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Suuuuure
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.