No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?