No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal