Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

Straight people are cancelled

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

me and who

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you