No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
All excellent questions
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”