No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap