“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
“Worm Regards”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
The photographer’s assistant
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.