“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I hate everything
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I think about this cartoon a lot.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.