“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.