Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?