“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
scares
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Who called it baking and not making love
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge