No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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Honestly, guys. I鈥檝e got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don鈥檛.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don鈥檛 cup my face
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we鈥檙e all grounded.
Oops I deleted….
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀鉂わ笍
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I鈥檓 eating chips and watching TV and I鈥檓 not annoyed anymore.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it鈥檚 just the paste off my brush”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.