@UnicornSyrup

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

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@losmenent

Who else got a PhD in imagining themselves in a situation that will never happen?

@reinert03

Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow.

@madlymomming

The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.

@Alex_LaVallee

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

She stared at me until I paid her.

@DurtMcHurtt

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

@TheRealRHB

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

@beingbernz

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

@theevilwriter

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.