No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Not today.. 😂
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.