No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

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Who else got a PhD in imagining themselves in a situation that will never happen?


Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow.


The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.


My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

She stared at me until I paid her.


[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*


So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car


Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.


To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.


Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.