No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.