NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.