Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*