no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Boating season is upon us.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Well, this certainly took a turn
