no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
How to shape your eyebrows
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