no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
😩😩😩
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl