No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Frog purse.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.