No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
You Might Also Like
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Lmao 😁
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh