No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
ew if literal: let me be clear
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
That lamp looks PISSED.
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.