No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE