No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Extremely relatable.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.