No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls