No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.