No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I have never related to a cat more
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!