“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
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I know a bad idea when I see one.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks