Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Vodka burrito was a success

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.