no!! no!!!!!!
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*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*frowns in Scottish*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Woke up against my better judgement again
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)