no!! no!!!!!!
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.