Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.