No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
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Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password