no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.