“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
You Might Also Like
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Plant care tips
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car