No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Guilty! 🤪
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…