Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before