No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Lmao
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with