no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.