No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
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embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
#oldknees
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.