“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too