Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.