@internetluke: "No, no. No! NO!" - guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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@underrateDad: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 4,917 times and you're probably my kids.
@KylePlantEmoji: Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn't, I have some bad news
@billnihilism: listen...valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios
@neptunemoons: "Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent