“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you