“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

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I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.


You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.


Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?


Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to


i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs


[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing


Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom


If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.


I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.