@internetluke

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

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@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

@PimpleEye

You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.

@rebrafsim

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

@RealDMK

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

@KeiLunMusic

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

@RandomRamblr

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@Cpin42

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

@KattsDogma

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.