Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.