“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.