“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
You Might Also Like
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
