“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“The Perfect Relationship”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
j o i m p
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.