No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
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[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
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Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.