No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
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Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
imagine getting destroyed like this
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My Sentiments Exactly
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.