No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
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I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
🤣😈🤣
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks