No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
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Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Merry Christmas
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room