If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
You Might Also Like
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election