“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
mood
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys