Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.