Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.