“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?