No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”