No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “