Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.