no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
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Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
It be like that sometimes 😆
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house