no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
My Husband said I really shouldn鈥檛 use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn鈥檛 said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you鈥檇 have Twitter.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Oh, you鈥檙e a witch? Name three children you鈥檝e eaten.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If you鈥檙e forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you鈥檝e got another Thing coming.
Santa said I can鈥檛 have a pool boy 鈥榯il I get a pool. Foiled again.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
That’s incredible! 馃憣
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they鈥檒l be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Like sleeping!
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I鈥檒l never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn鈥檛 it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn鈥檛 eat sushi.