no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
You Might Also Like
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk